The creature…

These jagged shards of my soul reach out to you before pulling away. 
“Your too precious to me…. I don’t want to infect you with my poison….
Please stay here with me and I will fight off these demons… please have faith that I will regain my strength…
you resurrected this heart that had forgotten how to beat…

The struggle presses forward my angel.  Forgive this fool for faltering”

New Birth

a post to be unfinished… like a book half filled I am now in awe at the possibilities. each step forward a new world. Colliding, intersecting, paths diverging… In the midst of the chaos my path unites with yours and we are held within each other’s gravitational pull. in the void of eternity I find peace with you by my side.

I love you my angel…. Forever I want to share in this contented happiness, building our world together. That you accept my love… that my embrace is not chains but a welcome union… in this I have serenity, I am whole.

Forever you are my cure, as am I yours. I am accepted, wanted, needed… complete.

I just….

Feel lonely… eh, I probably deserve it anyways…. “but it’s not alright to blame yourself”
Part of me just wants to fade back into the shadows… but I dont think I can… I love and hate the solitude…. no. .. I just hate it. .. the only thing to be appreciated is that there is nothing lower… to feel the stabbing pain of emptiness and to realize there is nothing ahead…
Just tired of feeling alone…. brief sparks of humanity followed by the void… calling out from the pit to passing shadows, hoping for scraps to feel alive…
Like being out in this weather naked to the elements… it’s a futile struggle to stay alive as your body numbs and the ice begins to feel warm by comparison…
I don’t want to accept the darkness… Although at times I fear it to be the inevitability…
So I keep pressing forward, not knowing which step will be my last….

Blah…

Fear creeps in the back of my mind whispering its lullabies… fear in more than one aspect of my life as I struggle with the darkness. The darkness that once consumed me… sighs…
that darkness gave me something precious… to see the faintest glimpse of light amidst the chaos…

But what do I know…. I’m just a fool… I know nothing…

its…. something…

there we go. took 5 seconds to make it a little less hideous here… not that anyone will actually see it… so… a moot point?

and now a picture of a dog that I searched for for about 10 minutes without knowing what I wanted…

I figure I should try

Try to make sense… try to post. try to actually STICK with something for me.  Its been days since I last posted and I don’t really know what to think. I’m at this point in my life where time just keeps flying by and standing still. I have no energy, almost no will to press forward… to leave my rut… I then think that I’m waiting on others as well… “well I’ll be able to do more once so-and-so blah blah blah BS BS BS”

sighs. my blog looks terrible. I didn’t realize how little I did to actually customize this thing. Are you really sure you want to be reading this? I mean really…  whats the point? I don’t think its going to be any bit enlightening to be about me. There’s nothing all that special about me… because there isn’t really much of me to elaborate on. Honestly…

I go to work, come home try to be useful, go to sleep, repeat. You know what I do with my free time? I read. Or play video games. like I always have since practically infancy. Because the time in between actually socializing with other human beings, instead of bettering myself I’d rather just escape. that’s what it says about me. That a value my potential  that lowly.

Where-as all the others I consider close friends are musicians and artists and writers and travelers… what am I? nothing special, that’s what.

You wanna know why I’m afraid to even try? Because my failure would then prove my fears. that I DON’T have any capacity… that in all my striving I will be nothing more than mediocre. Not even good… not worth mentioning.  I would be the guy at a party who would know enough to play the guitar a little. So little in fact that when the planned person would back out no one would consider me playing as an option. Putting on the radio on a crappy speaker would be good enough.

Jack of all trades but valued in none.

Its probably better for me not to think. not to think about at all. that’s right… fall back into that habit of not accomplishing anything.  Give up the guitar, the piano, the trombone, the flute, writing, poetry, game making, learning spanish, french, tagalog, bisaya, that ambiguous internet language, html, tennis, golf, fishing, ice skating…. sighs… roller blading, martial arts, judo, how to do a hand stand, a front flip on a damn trampoline…

no one is going to support it, at least not actively… because I’m too worthless to just strive on my own (to draw, to sculpt, to paint, to use a tablet to make something)… because I have no passion… no soul… and I’m used to being alone… no one follows me into anything. I don’t lead anyone to anything anywhere anytime… I have no charisma.

Why the hell otherwise would I call this “Realm of the Hermit”?  Do you ever hear of someone following a ronin? someone seeking out a hermit to join what they do? no.

I’m not worth following… and until I can prove otherwise why should anyone think otherwise…

The sad thing is I want someone to read this… to tell me I’m worth it… a supporter to push me along… but again… I’m not worth it… I never have been and I probably never will be… But here I am, actually acting like I can fight the current…

Whatever happened to me thinking that I could change the world…? when did the plans stop and the excuses begin.  Can you tell me?

I don’t deserve it but… I want a push… a word here to validate what I’ve attempted putting time and effort into… albeit the equivalent of a tired person stirring from their coma like sleep versus running a marathon…

I think I need a hand…

the beginning

I’ve never once considered myself anything grandiose.

I’ve never thought myself to be great in any manner.

I find myself interrupting my own thought processes to be confused if I just double-spaced between lines or if it’ll be seen as just a new line… XP

I have no reason to be anything but myself here. But then again I don’t know much of who I am. I hide away from people on a personal level but excel (excel is too big of a word) in small groups (of people I know and like)… I’m an introvert that sometimes wants to be an extrovert…. sometimes

I’m the kind of guy (yes, I’m a guy (yes, I just checked to see if I had mentioned that earlier (yes, I kinda forgot where I was going with this so I’m rambling till I figure it out and I just did (counts parentheses and hopes I don’t forget my thought))))(forgot the original thought… changing thought) who dealt with being a coward and still deals with depression but doesn’t want counseling or therapy. I’m not a coward anymore but I think its due to a sense of immortality or sense of abandon. Easier to die in valor(lol, pretty words used in a shallow way) than to live in shame and cowardice… you can sense the bit of bitterness I hold against myself… 

I don’t think I’m a bad person per say (actually I kinda do), I’m just never satisfied with myself yet I often lack the motivation for change because I figure it won’t make an actual difference.

I’m actually motivated to be here for a friend. I don’t know if she’ll read this or anyone for that matter (I’m not important,  remember? ), but being honest, I kind of want someone to. I want to be important… And I don’t think… sighs… being important in one person’s life is a treasure…. its a justification of existence.. and again I don’t think I’m worth that much…

Anyways, whatever bi-polar rants I leave here  (I’m not bi-polar(not as far as I know)) you are welcome to… But as much as I appreciate your attention I’ll advise you that there are much better things to do… even on the internet.  Remember,  I’m not worth much… at all (ever)

Sincerely yours, 

The guy who doesn’t know if his e-mail is showing because it would give away his real name and it’s seriously considering making another email for the purpose of this because it would destroy his cool guy persona (lol, cool guy XD) with my nick name Ryosuke. .. which almost no english speakers wanna say (Re-os(as in cost)-kay)… all of this despite the fact that almost, if any,  who read this will already know my real name.